Slipped Away
by EvilRegalGleek
Summary: Trigger warning: Finn death fic. Takes place two weeks after they graduated. Finchel-heavy in parts but not likely to stay that way all things considered.
1. Till Death Do Us Part

Early one morning when Finn Hudson was six years old, he discovered a trunk in the closet that his mother had planned to give him when he was older. In the piles of men's suits, shirts, ties, pants, and army fatigues, he was thrilled to discover a helmet, a rifle, and a set of metal ID tags that read "Christopher Hudson". Little boys being what they are, he immediately donned the helmet and ID tags and picked up the-thankfully unloaded-rifle and built himself a fort behind the couch so that he could pretend to be a soldier like his father. It was fifteen minutes before Carole Hudson woke up and realized what he was doing. Mothers being what they are, she quickly scolded him, locked Christopher's things back up, and put them in the attic. Finn had cried and begged her to let him keep them. "Absolutely not. You can look at the pictures we have of your father later, but you may not look at those things again until you are old enough to understand what that gun is for. It's not for you to enjoy, it's not to make you look cool. It's an object that can end a person's life forever with a slip of your finger. A gun just like that one is the reason your father is gone."

Finn understood, as best a small child is capable of understanding such a concept, and he never asked to play with his father's gun or any other weapon again. But on Finn's sixteenth birthday, when his mother gave him another present that had the capacity to end a person's life with a slip of a finger, neither of them thought about it that way. Finn mostly thought of it as something to make him look cool and something to enjoy. Carole knew that and didn't mind, as long as he realized she'd bought it for him so that he could drive himself to and from school and followed her rules about how late he was allowed to stay out.

Two weeks after his high school graduation, Finn was driving that same car downtown to interview for a summer job when it happened. One car sideswiped him, another car had crashed into him from behind, and as he was trying to straighten himself out, another car had crashed into him from the side, sending him over a bridge. Thirty minutes later, Rachel got the call.

"We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of Finn Christopher Hudson. Loving husband of Rachel Barbra Berry Hudson, loving son of Carole and Christopher Hudson."

Rachel, who was sitting in the front row sandwiched between Kurt and Hiram Berry, closed her eyes tightly. Her mind was screaming that this could not possibly be happening. This was just a nightmare that was lasting an extra long time. Any minute now, she was going to wake up in bed next to Finn, he was going to take her in his arms and promise her he wasn't going anywhere. Just like he had ten days ago.

Their wedding had been small but elegant. Rachel had walked down the aisle with one of her fathers on each side, both beaming. Her bridesmaids, Santana, Mercedes, and Quinn, had been waiting on the left side, the groomsmen, Puck, Blaine, and Kurt, waited on the right. Finn waited in the center and took her hand as soon as she was close enough to reach. Sue Sylvester waited at the podium.

"Finn Christopher Hudson, do you take this woman, Rachel Barbra Berry, do be your lawfully wedded wife, to love, tolerate, and put up with her constantly singing and bursting into tears whenever anything happens and decorating everything you own with gold stars, as long as you both shall live?"

Finn smiled and brushed Rachel's cheek lightly with two fingers. "I do."

"And do you, Rachel Barbra Berry, take this man, Finn Christopher Hudson, to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love, irritate, feed, put up with his snoring, and allow to take up over two thirds of the bed every night, as long as you both shall live?"

Rachel smiled and let a few tears slide down her left cheek. "I do."

"By the power vested in me by the fact that any idiot can get certified to perform a wedding these days, I now pronounce you…Finchel."

All their friends and family stood up and clapped as Finn bent over and pulled his new wife into a kiss.

As long as you both shall live.

* * *

Leroy Berry's fingers closed around his husband's hand in an attempt to fight the tears forming in the back of his eyes as he remembered the conversation that had taken place an hour before Rachel's wedding.

"Okay, now I've got it. As soon as Finn and Rachel get here, we need to split them up. You, Carole, will go up to give Finn a hug and accidentally spill some grape juice on his shirt. Rachel will inevitably flip out, so you, Burt, will take Finn aside and tell him you brought a spare shirt just in case, and then you will take the opportunity to lock him in the janitor's closet. It has no windows, I've checked. Meanwhile, you, Hiram, will repeatedly insult Sue Sylvester until she dramatically storms out and destroys half the room in the process, then I will take Rachel outside and tell her the wedding has been moved to an alternate location, get in the car with her, and refuse to stop driving until we have discussed all the reasons that this wedding is a terrible idea, while one of you goes back in and tells the rest of the guests that Finn has joined the army and Rachel has run away to join the circus."

"Don't be ridiculous," said Hiram. "That wouldn't work. Burt would never think to bring an extra shirt."

"Finn and Rachel are on their way over here right now," Carole reminded them. "If we try and talk them out of the wedding now, it'll make their whole day bittersweet, and they'll hate us and be even less likely to listen to anything we have to say later."

"That's true," Leroy admitted. "Hey, I know. When they get here, Burt and Carole will go to the lobby and greet them and offer to help them get ready and Hiram will guard the door while I sneak outside, find Sue Sylvester, and pay her five hundred dollars to put a fake name on the marriage license. That way, when this thing inevitably goes up in smoke, we'll be able to say, "Surprise! Turns out you were never really married after all!"

Hiram and Carole exchanged glances.

"You know, that's not actually a bad idea," Carole remarked. She glanced at Burt, who was starring into space and looked like he was in deep concentration. "Honey, what do you think?"

Burt shrugged. "He's your son."

Carole put a hand on his shoulder. "Don't give me that," she said gently. "I know you have something to say that you think I don't want to hear."

Both Berrys turned and looked at Burt. "I married my first wife when she was in high school," he finally said. "She was eighteen, I was twenty-one. At the time she was the love of my life. Granted we had an incentive to get married young-she was already pregnant with Kurt when I proposed-but we were perfect together. If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't trade those eight years for anything. Not even if she hadn't been pregnant yet."

Everyone was quiet for a moment. "So what are you saying, Burt?" asked Leroy gently.

"I'm saying...let's give them a chance. Maybe it'll work out, maybe it won't. You never know. They'll figure that out for themselves."

Hiram and Leroy looked at each other. Neither of them would have bet on Finn and Rachel's marriage lasting more than a few months. In fact, they'd hoped it wouldn't. Sure Finn was a nice guy, but he just wasn't...ambitious. Not like their gold star was. But it was time to trust Rachel to figure that out for herself. And if by some miracle-or lack thereof-it did and up working out, then what would there be to say other than that when two people are meant to be together, they find a way?

Leroy's mind was brought back around to the present when Hiram squeezed his hand extra tight for a moment, and he realized that he really was crying now. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. Not like this.

* * *

"And now, I believe that Finn's mother would like to say a few words."

Carole Hudson took a deep breath and returned Burt's encouraging glance with a tiny smile as she made her way up to the podium. "First of all, I'd like to thank each and every one of you for coming here today to remember and honor my son. It means the world to me. Ever since the day he was born, Finn has been the happiest part of my life. Even when he was a little boy, running around the house, getting into things the way little boys do..." she paused for a moment to remind herself not to cry right now.

Two rows behind the front pew, another person who virtually never cried was trying to fight the tears and the memories of the part of Finn's life that Carole had just mentioned. He was the only one out of their current group of friends who even remembered him at that age. Right now, there was one particular day that he'd rather forget.

"Mom! Mom!" yelled Noah Puckerman at the top of his lungs as he threw open the back door of his house and tore into the living room, his best friend right on his trail.

"I didn't do it!" yelled Finn.

"Yes you did!"

"No you didn't!"

"YES. YOU. DID!"

"Be quiet, Noah!" scolded Mrs. Puckerman from her position on the couch with a cold cloth on her forehead. "Mommy has a headache!"

"But Finn killed my dinosaur!" Noah held up the decapitated plastic T-Rex. "See?"

"No I didn't!"

"Yes you did!"

"No I-"

"ENOUGH!" yelled Mrs. Puckerman. "Both of you, get back outside! We're out of painkillers and I need to save up my energy in case your father comes home from work."

Reluctantly, the two seven-year-old boys trudged back outside. Puck turned to Finn and glared at him as they walked.

"Why did you lie to my mom?"

"I didn't!" Finn protested. "You kept telling her I killed your dinosaur!"

"Because you're the one who threw it and broke it! Not me!"

"But I didn't kill it! I just made the head break off!" Finn crossed his arms over his chest. "If it was dead, it would be in heaven. But it's not. It's right there in your hand. So I didn't kill it." He smiled triumphantly.

Puck's brow wrinkled in confusion. "I thought that when someone dies they just kind of lay there and never move or breathe again."

"Nope," said Finn. "My daddy died when I was a baby, and my mommy says that after the bad guys killed him, he rose up to heaven to watch over us and be with all the other dead people."

"Ohhh," Puck responded. He brushed back the long dark hair that was falling over one eye. "What do you think it's like up there?"

"I always thought it might be kind of like summer camp, only forever. There's one cabin for boys and one cabin for girls, and in the morning they eat breakfast, and then they grab their rafts and inner tubes and go swimming."

After a moment, Puck said, "I hope it's like that."

"Me too," Finn responded quietly. "Sorry I broke your dinosaur."

"It's okay. Let's go inside and tape him back together."

"Okay."

In the present, Puck held his breath and willed his tears to stay behind his eyelids where they belonged. He still had that T-Rex in an old box of toys somewhere. He and Finn had wrapped several layers of tape around it's neck. It looked terrible, but to them it had been good as new. Because at that age, it had still felt like anything that broke could be fixed.

* * *

"Without Finn Hudson, there would be now New Directions," said Will Schuster. "I would probably be working in some office somewhere, making more money than I ever could as a teacher, but it wouldn't matter, because I wouldn't be happy doing it. And I would definitely be married to someone other than the woman I love now, and if all that were the case, I wouldn't be the man I am today. When I first started teaching at William McKinley High, I hoped that I would be able to inspire my students. Maybe even change their lives. I never expected that my students would be returning the favor." Will paused to blink back a few tears. "You were a good man, Finn Hudson. This one's for you."

Every single member of New Directions braced themselves for an emotional blow as Will pulled out his guitar. Rachel and Kurt held each other's hands and their fathers' hands more tightly. Santana pulled Brittany closer to her side. Mercedes pulled an entire box of tissues out of her purse. Blaine sucked in his breath as Mr. Shue began to strum the first few notes of a song he didn't recognize the melody to.

_"I got the news on Friday morning_  
_But a tear I couldn't find_  
_You've shown me how I'm supposed to live_  
_And now, you've shown me how to die_  
_I was lost 'til Sunday morning_  
_I woke up to face my fear_  
_While writing you this goodbye song,_  
_I found a tear_

_I'm gonna miss that smile_  
_I'm gonna miss you my friend_  
_Even though it hurts the way it ended up_  
_I'd do it all again_  
_So play it sweet in heaven_  
_Cause that's right where you wanna be_  
_I'm not crying cause I feel so sorry for you_  
_I'm cryin' for me"_

* * *

"In some ways, Finn Hudson was the heart and soul of the New Directions," said Mercedes. "What he lacked in dancing, he made up for in leadership. That first year he overcame pressure from his teammates, his peers, and even his football coach because he wanted to show everyone that it was cool to be in Glee Club, that there was possible to be good at both football and at performing. Finn helped to make us a team."

In the seat directly behind Puck, the unholy trinity sat together. Santana reached over and squeezed Quinn's hand as she and Brittany cradled each other. Quinn absentmindedly took it, lost in thought. Neither of them wanted to go up there and say anything, because they were the only romantic interests Finn had ever had besides Rachel and seeing as that he was her husband, it might be inappropriate. Especially for Quinn. Finn and Santana had only had one night, no emotional attachment whatsoever, and neither had really enjoyed it. And she wasn't sure she would ever completely forgive him for the fact that he had accidentally outed her to the entire state. Or for the fact that he had called her girlfriend stupid. Or the fact that he had broken up with her best friend at a funeral. One of the few things she liked about Finn, though, was that he always seemed to realize the error of his ways just in time to pick up the pieces. Or try to, anyway. Some times, like when he'd set that homophobic campaign smear in motion, it had been too late to really fix the damage. Other times, it hadn't.

At their senior prom, right after his official king and queen dance with Rachel and the obligatory photo shoot, Finn left to use the restroom. He had made it halfway down the hall when he realized someone was following him, and judging by the fast-paced click of the high heels on the linoleum, they were following him with a purpose.

"Hey, Frankenteen! Wait up!"

Finn turned around. "Hey, Santana."

And for the second time that year, he felt the quick, sharp sting of her palm against his face. He narrowed his eyes in surprise.

"You know, I like you and all, but I think that one slap per school year is quite enough."

"Actually, because you can never change the fact that you're the reason my parents found out I'm a lesbian and my Abuela disowned me, I can slap you as many times as I want. But that was for Quinn."

"What the hell are you..."

"You know _exactly_ what I'm talking about! First you try telling a girl who's been paralyzed for the past three months, isn't speaking to half her family, and currently has no contact with her own daughter that she has _everything_, just because your girlfriend might not get into one stupid college she applied for..."

"NYADA was more than just one college to Rachel," Finn protested. "You wouldn't understand."_  
_

"...and then you try to_ pull her out of her wheelchair_, which, honestly, I don't even want to know what the hell you were thinking..."

"Oh come on, Quinn's not even really paralyzed! You saw what she just did!"

"She could barely keep half-standing long enough to finish the song. You honestly think she's physically capable of getting up and dancing right now?" Finn didn't know how to respond to that, because he knew she was right. "And by the way, Rachel wasn't actually voted prom queen. Quinn was. She gave the crown to Rachel because even after everything she's been through, she thought Rachel needed it more than she did." Finn's mouth slowly fell open. "Yep. That's right. And don't go thinking for a second that she did it for you. Even if she had wanted to, I wouldn't have let her."

A few minutes later, Finn reentered the fake prehistoric wonderland. Santana and Brittany were onstage singing I Wanna Dance With Somebody Who Loves Me, Mike, Tina, Mercedes, Sam, Blaine, and Kurt were dancing with their dates, and Rachel was dancing with Artie. Quinn was sitting by the wall being congratulated by a surrounding crowd of peers and teachers. It hit Finn when he quietly moved close enough to see her better that the smile on her face was genuine. This wasn't the same smug smile she had in the earliest days they'd been together when she'd walked through the halls holding his arm, almost as if he were some prize, or the smile she had when she was at the top of the cheerios pyramid, or even the way she'd looked at that girl she'd actively been trying to get the sympathy vote from last week. Whatever this was, it was more than just a teenage girl surrounded by an adoring crowd. This was a girl who, for the first time, felt like she'd really won.

"Hey." Finn gave a startled smile as Quinn threw an unreadable glance in his direction. He hadn't really meant for her to notice him. "Rachel looks amazing. I'm glad she ended up coming after all." A few of the people around Quinn stepped back as Finn moved over to her, sensing that they had something to say to each other.

"Santana told me what you did. That was really nice of you."

Quinn smiled and shrugged. "I already knew I was going to have one big moment tonight. I didn't need the crown to go with it as much as I thought."

"Quinn, I'm sorry. I was wrong. Seeing you get wrapped up in all this stuff about prom and campaigning and popularity, I thought that you'd gone back to being the petty cheerleader you were when we met. But you're not that girl anymore."

Unexpectedly, a tear rolled down Quinn's cheek. "Thank you, Finn. It means more than you know." Mostly because if he could see that she'd changed, anyone could.

Finn smiled and turned to glance around the room for a moment. He spotted Rachel walking up to the stage and positioning herself between Santana and Brittany with a microphone in her hand, ready to start singing. Then he turned back to Quinn and held out his hand.

"Do you want to dance with me?"

"Sure." He took her hand and led her to the dance floor while Rachel began singing.

_"There I was again tonight,_  
_Forcing laughter faking smiles_  
_Same old tired lonely place"_

Santana took over for a verse.

_"Walls of insincerity,_  
_Shifting eyes and vacancy_  
_Vanished when I saw your face_  
_All I can say is it was enchanting to meet you"_

When Finn and Quinn reached the dance floor, Finn stopped and took both her hands. She shook her head.

"This time, I want to stand up. Please."

Finn gave her his hand and let her pull herself into a standing position. She immediately leaned against his chest, supporting as much of her own body weight as she was physically capable of.

"It's okay," whispered Finn. "We've got this."

_"This night is sparkling, don't you let it go_  
_I'm wonderstruck, blushing all the way home_  
_I'll spend forever wondering if you knew_  
_I was enchanted to meet you"_

* * *

The irony of the fact that New Directions's last performance all together before they lost one of their members had been _We Are The Champions _was just hitting Artie now as he and the other Glee guys took their place at the front of the room.

"One of the biggest things that Glee club has taught us is that sometimes, it's easier to express your feelings by singing than by trying to talk about them," said Artie. "So that's what we're going to do today." He pulled a radio out from behind a display of flowers and pressed play for an instrumental that caused everyone in the room to feel-if possible-even more emotional even before the guys started singing. Sam stepped to the front of the group and began with the first verse.

_"There's no one in town that I know_  
_You gave me some place to go  
I never said thank you for that  
I thought I might get one more chance"_

Puck stepped forward and sang the next part.

_"What would you think of me now?  
So lucky, so strong, so proud?  
__I never said thank you for that_  
_Now I'll never have a chance"_

Then altogether.

_"May angels lead you in  
Hear you me, my friend  
On sleepless roads the sleepless go  
May angels lead you in"_

Kurt subtly traded places with Puck, stopping to squeeze Blaine's hand for a fleeting second on the way to the front. He sang just one verse as a solo, then faded back and let the other guys finish while he just stood there because his throat was too tight to keep going.

_"And if you were with me tonight  
I'd sing to you just one more time  
A song for a heart so big  
God wouldn't let it live"_

_"May angels lead you in  
Hear you me, my friend  
On sleepless roads the sleepless go  
May angels lead you in_

_May angels lead you in  
Hear you me, my friend  
On sleepless roads the sleepless go  
May angels lead you in"_

* * *

After some subtle applause from their audience, Kurt plunked himself down in the seat between Burt and Rachel. He felt his father stuff a wad of tissues in his hand and Rachel squeeze him tightly for a fleeting moment. He wasn't sure if she'd been offering support or needing it or both when he saw her walk up to the front of the room in the dress he'd picked out for her, black and elegant with a flowy skirt that made her look like she was attending a funeral in the old south. He'd known she'd been thinking about singing something but hadn't thought she'd actually be up to it.

"Hello, everyone," said Rachel softly. "Thank you for coming. Especially to those of you who also came to our wedding two weeks ago."

Kurt frowned when he realized that Rachel wasn't even remotely misty-eyed. There was something eerie about that that. She always cried when she talked about anything even remotely emotional. One of two things was going on, either she had used up all her tears crying for the past three days nonstop, or the event that was going on right now was just so gut wrenching her tear ducts were broken.

"For last Christmas that Finn and I ever spent together, he bought me a real star and told me he'd named it Finn Hudson. He told me that if I was ever sad I could look up at the sky and remember that he would always be watching over me. As you can imagine, that means more now than ever."

Kurt looked at her face carefully. A single tear rolled down her cheek. It was both comforting and gut-wrenching.

"This one's for you, Finn," whispered Rachel. "You were the love of my life."

Rachel took a deep breath before beginning her song a cappella.

_"Every night in my dreams_  
_I see you, I feel you,_  
_That is how I know you go on_

_Far across the distance_  
_And spaces between us_  
_You have come to show you go on"_

Kurt felt Rachel look to him for support, but barely managed to return the glance because he and Carole had both started sobbing on the first note. Rachel paused for dramatic affect and then exploded into the next part of the song she had chosen to skip to, causing every single person in the room to start crying.

_"You're here, there's nothing I fear,_  
_And I know that my heart will go on_  
_We'll stay forever this way_  
_You are safe in my heart_  
_And my heart will go on and on"_

As long as you both shall live.


	2. Shattered Summer

"We never got to get out own place together. We never got to talk about where we wanted to go next, or how many children we wanted and when, or...Finn never even figured out what he wanted to do with his life! He was passionate about so many things. He just needed to figure it out. He just..." Rachel covered her face with her hands and felt Kurt rub her back, vaguely aware of the swarm of people around them. Burt was socializing with the masses so that Carole, Rachel, and Kurt wouldn't have to, and Kurt and Rachel were sitting on a bench in a corner being as inconspicuous as possible.

As things were just starting to wind down, Puck and Quinn went over to the bench and Puck asked Kurt if he could talk to him about something. Quinn sat down next to Rachel when the two guys went off.

"What's this about?" asked Kurt once he and Puck were out of earshot.

"Getting you away from Berry," said Puck.

"Why?"

"Because you've been focused on her this entire time. She's all wrapped up in her own feelings right now, which makes sense because one, she just lost her husband, and two, she's Rachel. But you've got to think about yourself too, man. Your brother just died!"

Kurt squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. "Thanks, but I really didn't need a reminder of that."

"It's cool," said Puck. "I knew you wouldn't want to talk to me about this. But I know someone you might want to talk to."

Kurt let out a tiny gasp when he saw who was waiting in the corner Puck had brought him to.

"Blaine. I thought your parents were making you drive up to your grandma's house after the service."

Blaine smiled and squeezed his boyfriend's hand. "No one could keep me away from you right now."

* * *

After the reception, everyone returned to their homes. For the next few days, more family members and friends dropped by or called the Hudson-Hummel house to offer their condolences. A few of them brought meals. Some people who hadn't been expected to reach out pleasantly surprised them. Others did the opposite.

But after a few weeks, it was all over. The phone and doorbell stopped ringing. The casseroles and cookies stopped coming in. There was nothing left for Burt, Carole, Kurt, and Rachel to do but watch the dust settle around the broken pieces of their lives.

For the first four days after the funeral, Rachel hadn't eaten, gotten dressed, or left her room to do anything other than use the bathroom. She wouldn't talk to anyone other than Kurt or see anyone who didn't live in the house. Her Dads had tried several times to convince her to come back home and be with them, but she wasn't ready to leave yet. She wanted to leave every trace of her marriage to Finn the way it was. Her wedding ring stayed on her finger, his dirty clothes stayed in the hamper, and his phone stayed plugged in. Carole wasn't ready to change all of those things either, and while she would have understood if Rachel had wanted to go back to her Dads' house, she also didn't mind keeping her daughter-in-law around for awhile. There were very few people who knew what it was like to lose Finn the way they did.

It was a couple of weeks after the funeral when Kurt woke up to the sound of Rachel's voice drifting up from the kitchen.

_"I love him_  
_But when the night is over_  
_He is gone_  
_The river's just a river_  
_Without him_  
_The world around me changes_  
_The trees are bare and everywhere_  
_The streets are full of strangers_

_I love him_  
_But every day I'm learning_  
_All my life_  
_I've only been pretending_  
_Without me_  
_His world will go on turn-"_

Her voice caught on that note and she froze. That part wasn't true. Finn's world wasn't going to go on turning without her. It was going on turning without _him_. She could not imagine anything worse.

"It's okay." Rachel didn't even look in the direction of the voice around her. She felt Carole's strong arms wrap her up. Her forehead brushed against the older woman's wet cheek for a moment.

"You're very passionate, Rachel," Carole remarked. "It was one of the things Finn loved most about you."

Rachel still couldn't speak. She just let out a shaky breath.

"Sometimes I wish I had something like your singing. Something I could put all of these feelings into."

It was another ten minutes before they let go each other. Rachel ate breakfast at the table with Burt, Carole, and Kurt. She went out for a walk afterwards but didn't speak to anyone.

* * *

"Of course you don't need to worry about her," Blaine assured Kurt as he handed him the bowl of popcorn and snuggled closer to him on the couch. "Everything she's doing is a natural response to..." he wasn't sure how to finish that sentence most respectfully, so he let the words hang.

"I still don't believe that he's gone, Blaine. I can't. In the mornings when I wake up I expect to hear that horrible screamo music his Pandora channel tends to play, then I expect to hear him banging on the bathroom door during my moisturizing routine wondering why I'm taking so long. Whenever it's mine or Rachel's turn to set the table we accidentally set a place for him, and by the time we've realized we did it everyone is already eating. No one can bring themselves to get up and put the plate away so it just kind of sits there, reminding us what's missing." Blaine squeezed Kurt's hand. "Reminds me of how long it took my dad to throw away my mom's toothbrush and pack up her clothes after she died. It was months before he let me start using her shampoo."

Blaine hesitated before asking, "What do you think will happen to Finn's things?"

"I don't know. Technically they're all Rachel's now. My dad suggested that she put his old clothes in boxes in the attic, but she wouldn't even talk to him about it."

Blaine half smiled sympathetically. "So...um..." he fumbled. "What should we watch?"

"Ah...I don't know. Right now every romantic movie that ends happily sounds too cheerful and the rest of them sound too angsty."

"We can do something else if you want," Blaine offered.

"No, no, I definitely want to watch TV," said Kurt. "All Rachel ever wants to do anymore is listen to the Les Miserables soundtrack over and over until we cry like babies and then cry even harder when we remember the real reason we're sad." Blaine winced sympathetically and just squeezed Kurt's hand even harder. A minute later, Kurt got up. "I know what to watch._ Moulin Rouge_. It's the perfect mix of sweet and romantic and depressing as hell."

"Sure," Blaine agreed. He wasn't sure that he wanted to watch something where one of the characters dies at the end right now, but it wasn't about him.

A little over two hours later, Burt walked into the living room and found the two boys curled into each other on the couch as the credits rolled. Kurt had fallen asleep in Blaine's arms during the chorus of _Come What May. _When Blaine noticed Burt was there, he looked a little startled, worried that his boyfriend's father would find their current position suggestive. Burt just smiled, walked over, and turned off the TV. Then he left the room for a moment and came back with a pillow and blanket. Blaine wordlessly wriggled out from under his sleeping boyfriend and helped Burt tuck him in. It hurt a little how content Kurt looked right now, his thin lips almost in a smile and his normally perfect hair squashed against the pillow.

"I don't always know what to say to him anymore," Blaine whispered softly as Burt tucked the blanket around his son's shoulders.

"Sometimes there is no right thing to say," Burt replied. "What matters is that you're here."

* * *

Tina Cohen-Chang slowly chewed her breadstick as she took in the atmosphere around her. Happy customers. Good food. Pleasant music. Across the table from her, Brittany and Santana were joking about a song they'd heard earlier that day. Joe was feeding Quinn a bite of his spaghetti. Mike and Puck were playing tic tac toe with packets of ketchup and Sweet & Low.

"Doesn't anyone feel guilty about this?" Tina finally snapped. Everyone turned to look at her.

"Guilty about what?" Quinn prodded.

Tina shook her head as tears streamed down her cheeks. "Finn has been dead less than a month and here we are all out having a good time while Rachel and Kurt are probably at home crying and Finn is never going to do anything again."

Santana leaned forward across the table. "Okay...you stop right there."

"But...but..."

"No. Uh-uh. I'm serious. Every single one of us is completely aware of the fact that we lost _our friend_."

"A few of us were even_ closer_ to him than you were," Quinn cut in. "And up until now, this was the first time since it happened that I felt like I've been able to forget about it for a few hours. I needed that, not because I want to forget about Finn, but because some of us don't _like _crying all the time."

"Yeah, and now you've taken that away from us," said Puck. "Thanks a lot. Who the fuck do you think you are?"

Tina got up from the table and ran in the direction of the ladies room, her sobs growing louder as they faded away. Santana and Quinn were both starting to tear up. Puck looked like he wanted to punch something. Mike was torn between wanting to be a good boyfriend and follow her and being angry with her because he felt the same way that the others did.

Brittany smiled and patted Santana's arm comfortingly. "It's okay. Finn's not really dead." Everyone turned to look at her. "Frosty the Snowman taught me that when someone you love melts, they always find a way to come back to you someday." Santana smiled a little. "That's why I've decided that this Christmas, I'm asking Santa Claus to put Finn back together."

Puck and Mike looked at each other, both of them wanting to say something but being a little afraid of how Santana would react if they did.

"Brittany," said Quinn gently. "Santa only makes things. He can't fix broken things."

"Of course he can. He's magic."

Everyone stayed silent from that point until when it was time to order. Then slowly, the conversation faded back into peaceful lighthearted chatter.

* * *

Sometimes, grief has a way of showing people who their true friends are. More often it changes people, and those who still love and accept them at the other end aren't always the ones who were closest to them before. And then there is the kind of soul-shattering heart-shattering grief that reduces someone to a pile of broken pieces of their former self. The ones who help them put themselves back together are the ones who care the most.

"When you love someone, as I loved Finn, they're a part of you. It's like we were attached by this invisible tether, and no matter how far away he was, I could always feel him. Now when I reach for that tether and I know there's no one on the other end, I feel like I'm falling into nothingness."

Rachel turned to glance at Kurt, who was standing in the doorway watching her monologue to herself in the bathroom mirror. "What are you looking at?"

"Isn't that the exact same speech Sue wrote about her sister?"

"Sort of," mumbled Rachel as she brushed her bangs out of her face. A few seconds later she burst into tears and let Kurt wrap his arms around her.

"He was my...he was..."

"Shh," said Kurt. Tears were sliding down his own cheeks as well

"He was everything. I don't...I don't think about anything else anymore...all I do is...I just...I only ever sit around and...and wonder why. He didn't deserve this...I...I didn't...you didn't...he didn't...he..." Kurt held her more tightly as she released hysterical sobs into his shoulder. It physically hurt that she was crying so hard and there was absolutely nothing he could say to make this easier, and it hurt even more that he was afraid to let himself cry with her.

After a few minutes, Rachel's crying began to subside.

"I can't do this anymore, Kurt," Rachel mumbled.

Kurt froze. "What are you talking about?"

She gave him a final squeeze and pulled back. The drained expression on her face looked so much like it belonged to someone three times her age it was painful. Kurt watched ever muscle on her face as her frail hand slithered out of the sleeve of the giant grey sweater she'd been wearing for three days and reached for the full Tylenol bottle sitting on the counter.

"NO!"

Kurt's scream jerked Rachel out of her stupor as he threw the bottle of pills across the room. It thunked into the shower door and rattled when it hit the ground.

"What the hell?" snapped Rachel. "I just wanted a painkiller for my headache!"

Kurt starred at her for a moment before realizing she was serious. "Oh."

Rachel sighed and bent over to pick the bottle up off the floor. "Doesn't your head hurt from crying all the time?"

"I don't physically cry as much as you do."

"Right." Kurt was more of a tear up and silently stare at whatever had just reminded him of his lost brother while cursing it under his breath kind of guy. Until some song that reminded him of Finn or that Finn had sang in Glee club came on. Those were the most painful.

"But what do you mean by, "I can't do this anymore"?"

"I can't just think about him all the time," Rachel mumbled. "It's too painful, but if I try thinking about something else for too long I feel horrible and I just want to wrap myself up in everything that reminds me of him and bring him back."

Kurt sighed and kissed the top of her head. "I know."

"Is it stupid that happy love songs make me even more depressed than sad songs do?"

Kurt shook his head. "No. No, that makes sense."

Rachel sniffed. "I don't get it. Why can't I make him be alive again?"

"It makes as much sense to me as it does to you," Kurt replied softly.

* * *

As summer vacation drew to a close, none of the former members of the New Directions were feeling much like they'd had a vacation. Nevertheless, it was time to move on. After a final dinner together at Breadstix, Joe and Quinn parted ways on friendly terms. Mike and Tina broke up in the polar opposite fashion, complete with a public showdown outside her parents' house. Most of their friends believed it was the ways they were dealing with Finn's death that had ultimately driven the couple apart. Tina had dealt with it by talking about it whenever she could, Mike had wanted to deal with it by avoiding it. But there had been other issues, and deep down they both knew that even if Finn were still alive their relationship wouldn't have lasted. Tina just barely managed to be civil when Mike, Santana, and Quinn left for college and everyone went down to the airport to see them off.

Meanwhile, Brittany, Blaine, Artie, Joe, Tina, and Sam all prepared to go back to high school. Puck and Mercedes boarded the train to Los Angeles.

"It's going to be so weird being at school without all of you," Blaine confessed when he was alone with Rachel and Kurt.

Kurt squeezed his boyfriend's hand. "I'm never saying goodbye to you, remember?" Blaine lightly planted a kiss on Kurt's lips. Rachel turned away to hide the pain in her eyes. The only thing keeping her from being jealous of Kurt in moments like that was knowing he was dealing with almost as great a loss as she was.

"I need to get home," said Blaine.

Kurt half smiled. "Okay. Talk to you later."

Kurt and Rachel got in Kurt's car and began the drive back to the Hudson-Hummel house. The car Rachel had once shared with Finn had been destroyed in the accident that killed him.

"So what about you, Rachel?" Kurt asked.

"Huh?" Rachel turned to him. She'd been lost in thought.

"I mean, where do you think you're going next? You've always been the one who knows exactly what you want."

Rachel shook her head. "I'm not sure anymore. One of the most important things I wanted is dead."

"But you're not," Kurt replied softly. "You know, I'll bet there's still time to call NYADA and tell them you changed your mind."

"I've thought about it," said Rachel. "But I'm not sure I'm ready to be that far away from everyone."

Kurt's lips twitched into a small smile. "Not everyone." Rachel raised her eyebrows. "I haven't told Dad or Carole yet, but I'm planning on going to New York in a few weeks myself."

"Are you sure?" Rachel asked. "What about Blaine?"

"Blaine and I will be fine," Kurt assured her. "He's been amazing."

"I noticed," said Rachel as she wiped a tear from her eye. "Don't you dare go letting him slip through your fingers, okay? Life's too short."

Kurt smiled. "Never. So what do you say, Berry? You and me? Big apple?"

"I'll think about it."

"Finn would have wanted this, you know. His only reservation about marrying you was that he was afraid he'd be holding you back."

Rachel raised her eyebrows. "He really thought that? Love doesn't hold people back, Kurt."

"That's what I told him."

Moments later, Kurt pulled into the driveway at the Hudson-Hummel house. Rachel went upstairs without saying anything else to anyone. Then she went to her bedroom where Finn's phone charger was still plugged in next to hers. She took a deep breath and picked it up. She was afraid there would be texts or voicemails from people asking where he was, but aside from a few frantic ones from her and Carole on the day of the accident, right after they heard the news and were praying that it wasn't true, there was nothing. She scrolled through his pictures and sent all the good ones to herself for safekeeping. Then she held down the little red button and felt the device vibrate in her hand as the words "Your phone will shut down" flashed across the screen for a few seconds. Then it went blank.

It was a small thing, but it was the first step to a new normal.


End file.
